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Our Monthly Blog - Forgiving Others
We continue to discuss the Lord’s prayer, focussing on the second half of verse 12 in Matthew Chapter 6; “...as we forgive others of sins against us”. It is good to start by reminding ourselves of what forgiveness is not including:
Forgiveness is not the same as justice; forgiveness is not condoning people's actions but is about setting people free in your heart.
Forgiveness sets you free, but it acknowledges some people are toxic and will go on repeating damaging behaviours. It's okay to move out. It's okay to go to the police. It may be right to seek justice in the courts. It's okay to impose an injunction against the abuser.
Forgiveness is not the same as consequences.
Forgiveness is not the same as accepting abuse and allowing for boundaries.
Forgiveness is setting those individuals free in your heart and handing them over to God. But let's start with revenge! If we understand the nature of revenge, we can begin to forgive.
So, if you will, please turn in your Bibles to Chapter 15 of the Book of Judges. Oh, by the way, they were going to call Judges "Adventures in Testosterone." It is the alternative title to the book, and some interesting characters are in it.
Samson, the subject of this story, was a very masculine individual. He was tall, had a mullet, and had a number of tattoos. Which team would he be playing for?
“Later on, at the time of wheat harvest, Samson took a young goat and went to visit his wife…Her Father said, “isn’t her younger sister more attractive…”” v.1 and 2.
Wait! What's going on here? Look, I'm a social worker, and I definitely have a few questions about the dynamics of this family! “I was so sure you hated her; I gave her to your mate, but look, here is her younger sister. What about her?”… I think a referral to a psych is in order!
“He burned up the shocks and standing grain, together with the vineyards and olive groves” v.5
Can you imagine the damage that these 300 foxes would have done to the Philistine's crop? At the time of harvest? I have seen the anger of one farmer who had his crops burnt by two 14-year-old arsonists just before harvest time. £10,000 worth of damage and eight months of hard work gone in one day. At the time, I was working with the police in Oxford on a restorative justice project. We went to visit him and asked him if he would like to meet the young people. What do you think he said? He said, “Let me at them. I want to get even with them!” He then began ranting about what he wanted to do to their parents and the housing estate that they were from. We had to remind him that the police were present. He wanted retribution.
“Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.” v.15
In verse 15, we see Round Three. Wow! Suddenly, this has jumped from one guy with a goat thinking he is visiting his new wife to killing a thousand people! Back and forth, back and forth, when they are coming at him to get him, he does what anyone does: He picks up a fresh jawbone of a donkey and slays them all.
The alternative title to this talk is "Drop the Jawbone!”
Let’s bring in a bit of Shakespeare here. Romeo and Juliet. Who were the two families in Romeo and Juliet? The Capulets and Montagues. They hated each other and had a generational vendetta that had gone back for years and years. But what does our Will tell us about the start of the vendetta? What is the justification for the fight? What does he give us? Anything? Does Will give us anything? No. So Romeo and Juliet are banned from loving each other simply because a vendetta has built up with no apparent starting point.
I have seen this type of revenge take on a nasty edge in London between two gangs of young people in 2009. One gang called the Hoxton gang, taunted its neighbouring gang, called the London Fields gang. It started with name-calling at the next-door set of adolescents. But it had tragic consequences. The London Fields gang responded by coming back. There was a fight with no clear outcome, and so a few nights later, they came back into the Hoxton gang’s territory armed with a handgun. Finding some members of the Hoxton Crew having dinner in a pizza shop, they shot at them in an attempt to kill one of the male members. Tragically, his girlfriend, Agnes, was not as quick as him and failed to duck under a bench. She caught a bullet in the neck. Sadly, she died 10 hours later. Agnes was on the youth COACH program in east London. Her mother is still absolutely devastated. What started with a taunt from a gang member ended up in a shooting and a killing.
Revenge always escalates and goes back and forth back and forth. We often struggle to remember what started the fight. Even when we do remember it, it is often something very small. The story of Samson starts with foxes but leads to the destruction of people. It always escalates.
I love a bit of ping-pong. The good thing about revenge ping-pong is that you can play it anywhere! We can play ping-pong via e-mail, on Facebook, and on Twitter. We can play ping-pong in the kitchen with our spouse, with our colleagues at work between the work cubicles, or with our schoolmates in the schoolyard.
The other thing about revenge ping-pong is that you don't even have to hold the actual bat to hit the ball back at someone! You can give the bat to another family member to bat the ball back to the person you are in conflict with - if you want to - can't you? You can give it to another workmate to do your dirty work. Revenge ping-pong can be subtle; it can be little comments, gossip, or freezing somebody out in a relationship.
You hurt me, so here it comes ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong. Judges give an ancient barbaric example of revenge ping-pong, and I've told you about a gang situation. Revenge may not involve jawbones and guns, but it is emotionally brutal and relevant to us.
But at some stage, someone is going to have to lay down the bat; at some stage, someone is going to have to lay down the jawbone. Forgiveness begins when you realize you never get what you want with revenge. Forgiveness begins when you surrender your urge for revenge. This is the first step of forgiveness on our road towards forgiveness: putting down the jawbone and refusing to take revenge. You never get what you want; it always gets worse. Revenge always spirals downwards.
Does God get angry when he sees injustice, rape or an unjust attack? Of course, he does! But so often, we say, subconsciously, get out of my seat; God, I will deal with this. You are not acting quickly enough. Paul says: “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:19)
We fail to leave room for God’s wrath if we take revenge into our own hands. Revenge is a deep, deep issue between us and God. This is how it becomes so easy to be really mean to someone; we have said to God let me sort this out; your timetable is too slow. They need to be accountable to me, so I will take over and punish them.
Forgiveness begins when we surrender our urge for revenge. This is the first step on our road towards forgiveness: putting down the jawbone and refusing to take revenge. You never get what you want; it always gets worse. Revenge always spirals downwards. In fact, this is what Farmer Jones did: he dropped the jawbone and, through a restorative justice process, forgave the two young boys who caused so much damage to his farm.
“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” 1 Peter 2:23
Another reference to justice. Peter says you have “to understand that Jesus, who suffered so much, who had such communion with God, union and intimacy with his Father, was that he did not strike back but handed them over to his Father.” (Rob Bell).
Turn with me to Matthew 5:44, one final passage. As he always does, Jesus pushes it a whole lot further. He takes forgiveness to another level. The one who trusts himself to God pushes it a whole, whole lot further.
Sometimes, I meet people who say I will not get actual revenge myself - I have done this, too – but they think, “I am cool with the situation. But I don’t mind at all if that person’s business fails or relationships fail.” “Oh, whoops, it looks like he is struggling in life – their business collapsed, oh dear.” He is still redundant, “how sad.” “Look, she’s got no friends.” In these situations, we are not actively swinging the jawbone, but we are happy if someone else does it for us.
But Jesus says: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 4:43
Forgiveness begins when we see the insanity of revenge. Jesus, one who entrusts himself to God pushes forgiveness a whole lot further; he says, “Wish good for them” and “pray for them”.
As followers of Jesus, forgiveness is our “superpower” for healing ourselves and bringing God’s transcendent, supernatural justice to the situation.
Often, we don’t know the source of the conflict, but you can feel the dynamic in a family or in an office team. It started three years ago when the marketing team said something unpleasant to the finance team, and finance froze them out. Delaying payments or making the whole system overly bureaucratic. The marketing gossips about finance in return, and they don’t talk, but the revenge cycle is very active. Revenge can build up silos between departments at an astonishing rate, affecting whole companies.
When there is an unpleasant thing between us and someone else, we need to ask ourselves: “Are we at the centre of that?” What about family? Marriages? “You spent all that money 15 years ago, and now I am freezing you out so you can learn from it!” What about the family reunion? They have got jawbone holsters for reunions, jawbones in the car, behind the BBQ, “oh you forgot yours, here’s mine, don’t worry, we’ve got jawbones everywhere!”
Who do you need to drop the jawbone for? Maybe avoid mentioning donkey jawbones and slaughter; it might be a little weird, so I would add some context! Who do you need to forgive and hand over to God?
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to Clint, Lyn E., or me if this topic has raised any issues for you.
Toby
0413 046 642 toby@bayviewchurch.org